April 2012
16 posts
Yesterday I made a to-do list of all of the things I needed to do before I go out of town this weekend to my friend’s wedding. She is Indian and so there is actual shit that I need to do in order to not be totally offensive, like get a shall so I can cover my head in the church. Some things on my list were really urgent and needed to be done that day. So I highlighted them bright pink to...
Are you the fattest woman on earth who’s breathing sounds like farts and who tried to shove 7 DSW bags under your seat? Oh, then you’re the lady that sat next to me in the movie last night. I hated you so much. Almost as much as the one time I sat in front of a girl with tourettes. True.
Not to be unpatriotic or anything….but like, can we get a new national anthem? And like, can Beyonce sing it?
Lazy
My iPod starting reading the credits of some album and I DIDN’T GET UP TO CHANGE IT. And it was 4 minutes long, minimum. And the whole 4 minutes all I could think about was my low-life status. Then a broadway show tune came on and all was forgotten. Because secretly that all I ever want to listen to.
I once had a dream that I was in the gym (obviously a dream because my ass has never met...
This is my article for HelloGigs. It'd be cool if...
THE THINGS I WON’T DO FOR LOVE
This week, I watched the movie Like Crazy courtesy of my local Redbox. And by courtesy I mean since when did the price go up to $1.20 a night. And Redbox, don’t you know that I’m actually going to end up paying you less because at $1 a night, I will straight up leave the DVD in my purse for a week and not care at all? “Eh, it’s only $1 and my couch is too...
Anonymous asked: As a woman, I want to empower women everywhere, and help make them stronger. After some thought, I decided the best way to do this would be to carry around a kettle ball, throw it at a random woman, and scream "Catch!" at the top of my lungs. I'm getting some negative feedback on my efforts. What am I doing wrong? (I chose a 15 lb. kettle ball for this, in case that helps you figure...
If songs were movie genres....
Country = RomCom
Dub Step = Pixar
Hip Hop = Crime Dramas
Bluegrass = Westerns
Pop = Comedy
Alternative = Indie
Memoriez
Earlier today I had a really good idea that I didn’t want to forget. So I wrote myself a note in my phone. I just remembered and checked it. It says ‘Dog Camera’ and I have no clue what it means.
theoncomingsagan:
a haiku about going to school tomorrow:
no no no no no
no no no no no no no
no no no no no
Henri the French Cat Articulates the Pain of... →
While some cats are busy LOLing, Henri is morosely lounging around his flat, delivering biting insight into the feline condition. “I am free to go. Yet I remain.” [Via Tastefully Offensive]
-I’m LIVING for this right now.
Questions I Ask Myself Every Day
Why am I so lazy/productive
How is it possible for me to have the lowest and highest self-esteem of anyone I know
What the hell happened to the rest of my dog’s tail.
How many times a week can I burn my mouth on pizza and not have to submit myself for an evaluation of some kind.
Why am I so angry at people who overly talk about juice cleanses
Why do I sing so good in the shower and so...
Am I the only one that's poor?
Seriously, please holler at me if you are also poor because all I ever get are these requests to go do expensive things all the time. As if I’m not a frugal queen. And I don’t even mind being strapped. I kinda think it is a good thing. It lights a fire under my ass to make something of myself. And why are my friends so rich? Like, ya, lets just take a casual trip every weekend to...
Why can't I
turn my uterus off. Why haven’t they figured that out yet?
